Not all children and adolescents have two parents to give them love and security for a number of reasons.
In NSW, an increasing number of families are experiencing the trauma and disruption of separation and divorce.
Families may also experience loss through the illness or death of a family member.
Even the death of a loved pet or a close friend moving away may cause significant distress to children and adolescents.
Moving house can also be disturbing for children and adolescents. They may find losing contact with familiar places and people, changing schools, and having to make new friends very stressful.
When families separate, parents may be either devastated or relieved.
However, children and adolescents are almost always confused and unsettled.
They may feel responsible for their parents breaking up or for getting them back together.
Let them know you will both still be their parents even though you no longer live together.
Parents' commitment to their children's well-being is vital.
There are many warning signs in children and adolescents.
Children and adolescents usually don't show their pain and suffering all at once.
They may seem to be over it and then their distress may suddenly reappear.
Some of the ways they cope with loss are:
o having difficulty concentrating at school and being preoccupied with their feelings.
o trying to defend their parent, brother or sister. They may try to look after someone who seems weaker.
Children may feel vulnerable and insecure when families experience a loss
Preschool children see death as temporary and reversible, like the cartoon characters on their television.
By the ages of 5 to 9, children start to think more like adults but still can't believe it could happen to them or anyone they know.
As well as the shock and confusion a child feels at the death of a family member, adults' own feelings may make it difficult for them to cope with the emotional and physical needs of their children.
Professional counselling may help guide families through this difficult time.
How can we help?
There are a number of ways parents can help their children cope with loss.
• Let them know they are loved and that you are there for them.
• Let them know that it is not their fault.
• Answer their questions simply and honestly and, where possible, include them when making decisions that will affect them.
• Be tolerant of their behaviours as it may be their only way of expressing their feelings.
• Try to find out how they are feeling. Let them cry, talk or express their anger in a safe way.
• If they can't talk to you, encourage them to talk to others who they trust.
• Keep things as familiar as you can (school, friends, pets, precious possessions).
• It is okay to show your feelings. Showing your children how you cope will help them.
Let their school or teacher know what is happening.
Find support for yourself as this is the key to surviving difficult times.
Everyone needs time to adjust to changes and deal with feelings of grief and loss.
Children and young people may not want to tell you what they are feeling for fear they will upset you or make you angry. Your own feelings may be so strong that you may not notice or feel able to cope with what your children need.
When there is a death in the family, remember funerals provide a means of saying goodbye to a loved one.
It is helpful to include children.
However, if children are frightened of attending a funeral they should not be forced.
Instead, help them have their own farewell such as lighting a candle or saying a prayer.
Spend as much time as possible with the child and let them know they can show their feelings.
They may display their feelings of sadness on and off for a long period of time. Anger is a natural reaction to the loss of someone special.
This may be shown by aggressive play, nightmares or irritability.
Children may express anger towards the surviving members of the family or may become fearful about their safety.
Young children may persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. This should pass after a few weeks.
If not, seek professional assistance.
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